Yesterday was a bit better, I think. I managed to get through most of the day without having too many thoughts about Princess and Jenna, which in reality means that instead of thinking of them every single moment of the day, I thought about them a bit less than that. The memories have been slightly less painful, but they are still there and still painful none the less.
I think what remains to be the hardest part of the day is coming home. Right now, that house is a toxic haven for memories for me. The moment I see the house as I walk down the street, I begin to see the dogs on the balcony poking their heads through the railing, and hear their paws clicking against the wood deck as they bark and welcome me home from work. And as I walk closer, they begin to fade, only to bring me back to the realization that they no longer exist -except in my memories and in my heart.
Yesterday, coming home was particularly difficult, because my wife had taken Haru to cheerleading practice, so I came home to in empty house. As I opened the front door, the silence was deafening. Usually, I would come home to the sound of the TV blaring in the background, or Haru talking or singing out loud, or to the sound of water running in the kitchen or bathroom, or …to the sound of the dogs clicking their paws on the wood floors of the hallway to see who just walked into the front door. Instead, it was just lifelessness, darkness, and dead silence, and the memories started again, and I began to cry.
This weekend is going to be hell, because it will be one week after their passing, and I already know I am going to struggle with it. Since its a long weekend for me (9 days off from work due to national holidays), I really wished we could just go somewhere far away from this house. But since we didn’t plan anything because of Princess and Jenna’s illnesses, it would be too late to plan anything now. I thought about going out to the summer house in Chiba, but that place would be equally painful for me because we spent so much time out there with the dogs. So in essence, I would feel trapped and imprisoned in my own home with painful memories tormenting every moment that I am there.
I am very angry at myself because I haven’t been able function well in almost a week. Aside from work, there seemed to be no purpose for doing anything. I just wanted to sleep all day, and I feel really bad for feeling this way, and for neglecting Haru. Haru, if you read this someday, I hope you forgive me for those days when you always saw me sad and crying. I shouldn’t let this sadness take over our lives , and I feel really really bad for not giving you more attention, and I promise to make it up to you when I feel better.
Despite the dogs leaving us, we had one really good thing that happened that unfortunately got overshadowed and nearly forgotten. Haru finally FINALLY got chosen to join the advanced gymnastics class! I couldn’t be more proud of her. She actually participated in her first class as an advanced gymnast last Saturday (right before all of this happened). She struggled with it at first because she had gone to her usual class earlier that morning, and was fairly tired by the afternoon. But her new advanced gymnastics coach, which is the same coach she had when she first started out in her kindergarten gymnastics class said that she will do fine once she gets use to the new routines.
Haru will actually be starting advanced gymnastics regularly in November, once she has completed all of her cheerleading events which will take up most of her Saturdays in October.
So out of curiosity, we all wondered why it took the coaches so long to recognize that Haru was ready for the advanced class. I thought that perhaps my wife and I were just being stupid parents for thinking that Haru was better than she really is. Or perhaps the coaches just didn’t see any potential in Haru’s ability, and just thought it’d be best to keep her where she is, or eventually that she might even quit. Or maybe it was because the coaches where just plain stupid and not paying any attention to the fact that Haru was clearly out performing everyone in her class including the much older senior level students. Well, the answer is none of the above.
Apparently, the coaches did recognized Haru a long time ago, apparently back in her kindergarten days. But the reason why she never got promoted to the advanced class was because of one misunderstood comment she made to her gym coach back when she was in kindergarten.
When Haru just started cheerleading a few years back, she use to be so proud of her cheerleading hair ribbon, that she use to wear it everywhere -even to gymnastics class. When her coach asked her what the ribbon was for, Haru said that she is a cheerleader and that she was so busy with cheerleading that she had forgetten to take it off. (which wasn’t true -she just wanted to wear it) Based on that one comment, her coach assumed that Haru would be way too busy to commit to being in advanced gymnastics and passed her up. She assumed that Haru was doing cheerleading several times a week, when in reality it was (and still is -if you don’t count tumbling) only once a week, and in no way would interfere with her schedule if she joined the advanced class.
This all came into realization when Haru attended the nature camp last month with her gymnastics school. My whole intention for Haru to attend that camp was not only to make new friends and have fun, but to also to be able communicate with the coaches in the hopes that they would recognized that she is a good gymnast -and IT WORKED! While at camp, her once was, and soon to be again gym coach approached her and asked how her cheerleading career was going, and Haru responded okay. Then the coach asked, are you still really busy? to which Haru replied, no….it’s only on Thursdays. The coach probably assumed that Haru was a competition cheerleader who practices several times a week and do complicated cheer routines, hence her ability to do skills beyond what is taught in regular gymnastics class. Thus, started a new dialog between us and the coaches and clarifying what Haru’s schedule is really like and how we wondered when Haru would ever move up into advanced gym.
The reason why the coaches what so concerned over Haru’s schedule is because her regular gym class was once a week and 50 minutes per session. Once she moves up, this can go up to 3 times a week and 90 minutes per session. If she moves up further to competition level courses, it can go up to 5 days a week and 3 hours per session. By this point, Haru have to make a commitment and pretty much quit everything else she is doing (including cheerleading and tumbling), and I know she isn’t ready to do that. But for advanced gymnastics, we both have time in our schedules to do it at least twice a week. Three times a week will be more of a challenge, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. So at this point, we are just going to ease in the advanced class to test the waters. If she enjoys it and is good at it, we will see about bumping it up to twice a week, and maybe even more if she wants to.