I promised yesterday that I would try to focus on Haru, and I am going to try to keep that promise, but in a more gradual sense. I am still feeling an enormous sense of loss and loneliness, and I feel as if the only person who understands me and the profound sadness I feel, is me. I am at best. a “functional” emotionless zombie at work. One of my coworkers commented that I looked very fatigued, in which I gave very little or no reaction to, not because I was offended, but because I really didn’t know how I should react. Right now, I feel as if I have to turn off all emotions while I am at work otherwise I will fall apart, which is never a good thing in a structured environment.
However, by doing this, I feel that my despair over the loss of my dogs are being too suppressed and they tend to build as if I were holding my breath, to the point where I erupt with sadness the moment I walk into the door at home. I know Haru feels bad for me, but she’s not too sure what to do about it. It’s totally understandable -I mean, how is a seven year old suppose to react to an adult who constantly cries, especially when it’s their own father. She came into the bedroom last night and offered me ice cream, which I thought was kind, but I feel so weak in that I couldn’t even sit down and have ice cream with my own daughter.
I think my wife is getting sick of me. I haven’t eaten much in days now. Just maybe some bread and orange juice in the morning and that’s about it. I’m afraid that if I go out to lunch that I will start to think about them again. It’s best to just keep busy and keep my mind off of them as much as possible. so I would either work through lunch or sit on the bench in front of our office building for an hour and just space out until its time to go back to work. My wife actually got angry with me last night for not wanting any dinner, but I really didn’t feel like eating, and being in the living room is still too difficult. Even as I was sitting at the dinner table and Haru was spilling food all over the floor, I would think, it’s okay, Jenna will be by to lick it up, but of course that never happened, and I broke down and cried while my wife looked on with more anger. I wish she were a little bit more understanding of my pain, rather than caring so much about the time she wasted preparing my dinner. I just wanted to do what I did the night before and just go to sleep so I didn’t have to think about anything anymore.
Last night, I heard noises again. This time it wasn’t the sound of the dogs walking on the wood floors. It was whimpering sounds, -the kind of sounds that Princess use to make when she wanted to go outside. I buried my head in pillows and just begged for it to please stop. Why is my mind torturing me! But after a while, I realized that the sound wasn’t my imagination; it was real. So I got up and tried to figure out where it was coming from, but it was so intermittent, that I couldn’t pin point it. It sounded as if it was coming from the hallway. Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me again. Then it happened again, and it came from Haru’s room.
I went into Haru’s room to check on her to see if she was alright. Her asthma seemed to be flaring up as she slept, because her breathing sounded rough. It reminded me of Princess in her final days; her breathing was very rough too. So naturally I was very worried. I crawled into her bed with her and every once in a while she would make whimpering sounds in her sleep -the same sounds that I had been hearing all night. I hugged her, and asked if she wanted to sleep in our bedroom (which she loved to do) but there was no response. She just continued to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. My thoughts shifted from the dogs to worrying about Haru. She is the most important thing in my life, far more important than the dogs, and if anything were to happen to her, I couldn’t imagine being able to continue on. Life wouldn’t be worth it anymore. All I could think about was Haru’s breathing and whimpering in the next room, and how Princess did the same thing before she passed away. So I stayed awake for most of the night making sure that she’d be alright, and walked back and forth to her room periodically to check up on her.
Having only slept a couple of hours or so, I woke up the next morning and immediately checked up on Haru again. She was breathing much better, and wasn’t whimpering anymore. I felt a great sense of relief, but then my mind shifted its attention back to the dogs. But this time, I felt a bit better. I think that realizing that the most important thing in life for me is Haru, and she is living and breathing and is right there with us. I need to stop feeling so much misery because it wasn’t doing me any good, nor was it going to bring the dogs back. I need focus on Haru and give her my full attention going forward, because she is who counts the most. This helped me to take a step closer to coming to terms with the loss of our dogs. I am still very far from achieving acceptance, but I think I am finally on the road to it.