Haunted by Memories

First of all, I need to apologize to Haru for completely hijacking your blog site.  I know this site is suppose to be dedicated to you, and not so much about me, but I really need a place to write about the sad events of the last couple of days to help me get over the pain.  Perhaps when you are older and hopefully read this, you’ll understand why your father was so sad after Princess and Jenna left us.  I promise that I will return to topic soon.

Yesterday started out okay.  I started the day off pretty confident that I would be stronger, and I refused to let my emotions get to me.  For the most part, I think I did pretty well.  I kept myself busy at work, which kept my mind off of the sadder things.  But at the same time, I barely remember anything I did yesterday.  It was as if my brain was completely on auto-pilot and just doing things without being aware that I was doing them.

I completely skipped lunch because I have had no appetite for days now, but I did go for a walk during my lunch break, which might have been a mistake because it made me think again.  It also reminded me that a part of me is still in denial.  As I was walking, I saw a little stand selling charcoal broiled sweet potatoes -Princess’s and Jenna’s favorite food.  I reached for my wallet while thinking,  I’ve got to buy some.  This will help Princess with her hypoglycemia.  But then, reality hit and I broke down and cried.

Everything has been reminding me of them, and when I say everything I mean absolutely EVERYTHING, even things and objects that has no relationship to the dogs.  For example, as I was doing my routine work yesterday, I would see dates and times on emails and think, Princess and Jenna were still alive then, or Princess and Jenna were doing this then, etc.  And since I work for a pet food company now, seeing pictures of pets and their owners around the office in some ways helps, but in other ways makes me feel even sadder.

But the worst place for me to be right now is at home.  Everything about that house reminds me of them and there is no escape from it.  Pictures in the hallway, the stairway, the living room, the empty water and food dishes in the kitchen, the stock of unused toilet sheets and dog treats are all constant reminders that they are no longer with us.  The living room is the worst.  It’s where we all spent most of out time together, especially the dogs.  The scratches on the hard wood floor where they use to chase each other around, the little memorial we created, the pictures, the painting of the dogs that my mom gave us, the old toys that Princess use to love to play with were in the living room.

As I came home from work  and entered the living room last night, Haru knew I had been crying.  Are you still sad?, she asked.  I just nodded my head because I knew if I tried to say anything I would start sobbing again, which I wound up doing anyway.  I laid on the living room floor for about 15 minutes and the more that I was there, the more difficult it became to be there, so I went up to the bedroom, where I had to pass several pictures of the dogs to get to bringing back even more memories.  I figured that the bedroom had the least reminders of the dogs, but I was wrong.

As I entered the bedroom, it was as if there was a movie playing right before my eyes.  I had an instant flashback of when I use to throw Princess’s favorite blue squeaky toy across the bedroom and play fetch with her, while Jenna would tackle her when she brought it back and try to take it away from her.  It was like I was being tortured with flashbacks -one after another of all of the times we had playing fetch in the bedroom, to the point where I had to just bury myself in a pile of blankets in the hopes that I would just fall asleep and not have to think anymore, so that I could be temporarily relieved from the pain of the memories.

20 minutes later, I was awoken by Haru telling me that dinner was ready, but I was not in the state of mind to where I could go into that living room again.  It was too much, too soon, so I skipped dinner and went back to sleep.

I was constantly awaken by what I thought were the sounds of the dogs walking on the  hard wood floors in the living room.  I knew that it wasn’t real and I kept saying STOP! STOP!  You’re not real!  Go away!  Stop torturing me!  But it kept persisting.  I felt, and still feel as if I may be losing my mind from all of this grief.   They’re just dogs!  Get over it already!  I kept saying to myself.

16 years is huge part of my life -almost 40% of our lives were spent with Princess and Jenna; 100% for Haru. And to have that suddenly gone, feels a like a huge hole.  I guess it’s only understandable that I feel the way I feel, but I have been wondering why my wife wasn’t feeling the same.  How is she functioning?  Is she over them already?  But then I realized that she has still been sleeping on the living room floor, and hasn’t slept in the bedroom since last Saturday night when Jenna passed away.  I guess this is the way she had been grieving.

This will probably be the last time I write about my thoughts (at least on this site.) I doubt Haru would want to go back and read about how her stupid father fell completely apart over two silly dogs.  So hopefully I will be able to return to topic the next time.


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