Childhood Crush

Author: mirai  //  Category: Uncategorized

F1 season started a couple of weeks ago.  I love F1. As a matter of fact I may go to Shanghai later this year to see an F1 race.  Not too sure yet though.

This last past week, I got in touch with three people from my teenage days. One is a guy I met back in junior high school.  I guess you can say he was my best friend back then.  His name is Goro (Japanese of course).  I’m not sure what exact circumstances landed his family in a sleepy little all-caucasion town in northern California, but he was one of the very few Japanese kids at my school.  We use to hang out ALL the time.  Either he’d be at my house watching anime or playing with my Famicon with me, or we’d be at his house picking on his little brother or playing with the stuff he’d brought back from Japan.

Goro was quite odd, even for a Japanese guy, and so was his family.  I think they’re from a rural part of Japan. Even my mother often commented on how odd his parents were.

  We were in school together from junior high school all the way up to high school.  He always wore shorts, and not the cool kind. He’d wear the really short shorts that Japanese elementary kids would wear. At an age and in an era (the mid 80’s) when fashion counted, tight shorts weren’t too cool.  So I was often embarrased to be seen with him and his goofy attire.

We were best friends all the way up until about the 10th grade (first year of highschool).  By then, I started becoming more self conscience about my looks and who I hung out with, and unfortunately, I felt that Goro no longer fit my image anymore.  So we sort of grew apart. I had my own set of friends and he had his.  Kind of like the Breakfast Club.  I guess its kind of inevitable that people just split apart over time, but sometimes  it’s ashame for some of the reasons why.

Goro seems to be doing well now. He lives in Shizuoka, married, and has a son. Shizuoka is not that far away from Yokohama so, I may go down there someday just to say hi and catch up on old times

The second person from my past whom I got in contact with is a Korean girl named Slyvia,  who I use to work with at my part time job at a cookie shop.  Yes, I use to sling cookies at Mrs. Field’s Cookies for one summer during high school.  Syliva grew up int he bay area, and was the assistant manager at MFc, and my unofficial older sister. I was only 17 and I think she was about 23.  Sylvia was the sweetest lady there.  I was an extremely shy kid back then and was also going through a severe identity crisis at the same time. Sylvia, although she probably doesn’t know it, helped me get through my identity crises just because she was so Asian, and most of her friends were Asian.  She occasionally invited me up to her apartment where her and Korean friends would often hang out.  At the time, I didn’t know why, but I always felt so comfortable being around them even though they were so much older than me and were college people.  It took me another two years to figure out the reason why I felt so comfortable around them was because I was culturally more Asian than anythng else.

Sylvia is engaged now and looking to get married this summer. I need to write her back after this and congradulate her. And thank her for being their for me.


The last person I had contacted is a person I  admittedly had been looking for for years now. Actually, I knew exactly where she was and how to find her, because she happens to be a daughter of a friend of my mother’s, and a mutual friend of Yvonne Kanazawa (yes the Olympic hurdler) and myself. I could have easily asked my mother or Yvonne for her contact, but I didn’t. This was something I had to do myself

Her name is Vivian.  Actually her name has a bit more exotic spelling, but I don’t want this blog entry to come up in some search engine, so I am deliberately mispelling it here.

At this point, I must say that this is somewhat a difficult thing for me to write because I haven’t thought about her in many years.  On top of that, this is something I have never told anyone until now. But, I feel that now I can finally come to terms with these old feelings and have some sense of closure in my life. You see, for the majority of my teenage life, I had such painfully huge crush on her. And from the ages of 15 through 20, every girl I met, every girl whom I dated, I compared to Vivian.  To me, she symbolized perfection. She was all that I could think of for the longest time..

Being a very shy kid, I had a hard time even looking at her let alone trying to even talk to her.  I only got to see her every so often as a teenager because she lived like an hour away from where I lived. And on those extremely rare and precious occassions when I did get to see her, I could never say anything to her without stumbling on words or just plain stalling.  I was so unimpressive and boring and so she didn’t even know I was alive.

By the time I was 17, I was dating and getting better at asking girls out.  It was still difficult and took a lot of courage for me to do, but I was starting to gain some confidence in this area.  I had made up my mind that I was going to ask Vivian out on a date at least before I graduate high school.

Our schools were in completely different atheletic leagues so our schools’ sports teams very rarely if not never play each other.  However, there was this one rare occasion where my school and her school both made the State finals in track. I wasn’t on the track team but my best freind Carl was, so I decided to go to some of his meets.  At this particular meet, we were at a school somewhere in the bay area (which was an hour and half drive away).  I had learned that Vivian’s school was going to be there and that she was on the track team.  So I figured that there may be a small chance that I might be able to see her there. 

I sat up in the stand and scoured the field looking for her, but I couldn’t find her anywhere. Carl had just completed most of his events and had one more event to do before we headed back. He sat up in the stands with me and asked “Are you looking for someone?”  I was surprised he asked me this because I didn’t know that I was being  so obvious.

“Yeah man, There’s this girl from this other school who I kind of like and I was hoping to see her here.” I explained.

“Oh yeah what grade is she in and what event?” he asked. 

“I think she runs…not too sure, and she’s in the 10th grade” I said.

“Oh dude, she’s probably running with the JV teams(junior varsity – a class for lower classmen).  They’re on the other side of the field.  I got some time until my next event. Let’s walk over there.”

So my friend and I walked over to the other side of the field  where there were a lot of lower classmen doing various event. We sat in the stands and peered out into the field. “Is she here?” he asked.  I looked out out for a few seconds, and I saw her!  She was walking around the track with one other girl.

“Oh my god, she’s here dude!” I said.  I could feel blood rush up to my head and I almost passed out.

“Go talk to her dude!” He said, as if it were an easy thing to do.

“No way! You nuts! I can’t just go up to her and start talking to her. Besides, she’s with another chick.  They’ll just laugh at me and talk about what a geek I am after I leave.”

By this time, Vivian and her friend  had made it down to my part of the field. She would be walking right in front of the part of the stand where Carl and me were in a matter of minutes.

“Hey she’s coming. Why don’t you call her over and say hi?”

“No way man…There is no way I’m doing that…let’s just forget it…k?”

“Alright man, It’s cool.  By the way, what’s her name?”

“Vivian” I replied.

The next thing I know my friend stands up on the stands and starts shouting at the top of his lungs  “Yo Vivian!  Vivian! Come here!! I gotta talk to you!”

I could have just rolled up and died right there! Everyone turned around and even some people on the field looked over at us.  There was nowhere to hide.  All I could do  was duck down as low as I could and hope I would disappear. But she saw us.  She looked puzzled and started walking towards us. ” You are such a dick” I said out of the corner of my mouth to Carl..

“You can thank me later,” He smiled.

Vivian was wearing running shorts (the cool kind, not the kind Goro wore) and a wind breaker.She looked at the both of us and still looked confused. She then recognized me “Hey! what are you doing here?” She asked.

“I just came by to watch my friend Carl run.  This is Carl” I pointed.  They exchanged hellos.

“So you’re running later?” I asked.

“No, I’m injured so I’m just walking” She said.

The was a moment of akwardness. We barely made any eye contact and my mind drew a blank.  I had absolutely nothing to say after that. All those times that I had rehearsed in my head the cool and witty conversation we’d have on our date, just took a backseat to pure dead air. Carl gave me a nuge on the arm trying to tell me to say something. I tried, but I couldn’t. Then, Carl, being the cool cat that he was did what I couldn’t do in a million years.

“Hey Vivian, what are you and your friend doing after the meet.  Wanna hang out with us?” he asked.

I looked over at him half stunned and half relieved. I looked back at Vivian and she was smiling which was a totally good sign.  Yes!  Yes!  This is it! The moment I had been waiting for.  Sure technically I didn’t ask her out but I am willing to accept it any way I could get it.

“I really want to, but I have to go home or my dad will kill me. Sorry.” She said. My world immediately came crashing down on me and my life was officially over.  She then looks over at me and says, “I gotta go, I guess I’ll see you next Thanksgiving.  Nice to have met you Carl. Bye”, and they both walked away and out of my life.

Well, I was depressed for literally a month after that. I did get to see her the following Thanksgiving as she mentioned. I still had deep feelings for her, but deep down inside I knew it wasn’t going to happen for me.

I saw her for the very last time at her house during the summer of 1990.  It was my last summer before I went off to college. All I wanted to do is to see her one last time.  I didn’t speak to her all day though. I didn’t have to.  And that was the conlusion of my most painful crush ever.

I thought about her for several years after that.  I would get an occasional progress report from my mother as to what she has been up to.  From what I heard, Vivian had a pretty rough life after high school.  She joined the military after high school and got pregnant and had her first child. She was then married, had her second child and then divorced.  Sometime after that she had another child, and a few other rocky relationships here and there. There were even talks of drug use. Had she’d been happy, I would have accepted the fact that we had never gotten together. But from the sounds of it, I feel that I could have made her so much happier, but I think that the outcome of my own life would have been drastically different with Vivian.  I don’t know if I would have been happy with her or not.

She currently lives with her boyfriend who has two kids of his own.  So its like one big Brady Bunch.  Vivian said that she will be coming to Japan next year with her boyfriend to see me.  I was really happy to hear that.  It’d be so nice to see her again after so long.


Finished DQVIII!

Author: mirai  //  Category: Uncategorized

I finally finished Dragon Quest VIII last night!! It took me approximately 8 weekends. My cousin was able to finish in less than 3 weeks, but he’s a total himajin so he didn’t impress me too much.

DQVIII was much easier than VII in my opinion. I liked the graphics and sound effects. The PS2 format did it a lot of justice. But there were a couple of things I didn’t like. One is the way it often goes into “auto-mode” when it tells a story. You can’t save or use the controller to do anything. You just have to wait until it finishes telling its story. This got annoying sometimes in that the story can last up to 30 minutes sometimes. A few times, I had to leave my PS2 running overnight because I needed to get some sleep.

The other thing I didn’t like too much (which isn’t really specific to VIII) is that it never refers to the previous DQ stories anymore. 1,2, and 3 was a basically a trilogy, but after that, DQ became a new story each time. And other than the names of the spells or the equipment, you wouldn’t know it was DQ at all.

This didn’t bother me too much until DQVIII, because 8 is a completely different animal all together. I remember a hearing a DQ animator once say that the part of the success if the whole DQ series is that the characters were always similar looking and purposly made to look rough and comic like for nostalgic purposes. 8 changed all that, so its not the traditional DQ as I played as a kid. But I still liked DQ8 none the less.

Now, it’ll probably be another 5 years until the next DQ. What do I do until then?? I never finished DQVII, so maybe I should try that again

Writer’s block

Author: mirai  //  Category: Uncategorized

It’s been a week since my last entry..only because I have writer’s block. Actually I am in the dulldrums; nothing too exciting to write about. Still no change at work, but I think there will be a change soon…I hope!

Sarah, yes it is stress contributing to my weight loss. I lost another 1.5 kilo’s since my last entry. I haven’t had much of an appetite for anything lately. As a matter of fact, I actually went two days without eating anything last week. I think I’m better now. I have been eating a bit more, but not as much as I use to. Anyways, that’s it for now…

Weight Loss?

Author: mirai  //  Category: Uncategorized

Wow …what a nice Friday…It snowed like mad today. It wasn’t the good stuff though; more slushy and wet, but I welcome any kind of snow!

Thanks for everyone’s concern. This week was one of the toughest weeks in my IT career, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its still a dim little pen light, but a light none the less. I am going stay positive. I am a believer of destiny, so I know everthing will work out in the end. I know I am sounding very vague and I wish I can write more about this, but to tell the truth, I still don’t know the whole story as to what’s going on with our department. But as soon as I get the complete picture, I will tell all.

Lately, my suits have been fitting really loose on me. I had a suit tailor made to fit me perfectly just last summer. Now, the slacks feel like a pair of sweat pants. I stepped on a scale for the first time in almost a year. I couldn’t believe it; I lost nearly 4 kilos since last year. That is a lot for me! My body fat also went from 22% to 16%. I remember when I worked for my previous company, I had gained 6 kilos in 6 weeks and had 24% body fat. I felt so bloated all the time. None of my clothes fit right. My co-workers use to make fun of me because I was trying to stick to this diet where I had to eat really weird things. Yes, I know I’m not fat, but I believe there is an ideal weight for me. I was 5 kilo over it before, now I’m 2 kilos below it.

When I went to our off site office last Monday, I couldn’t believe how round my face looked on the picture on the security badge, which was taken a week after I joined my current company. I don’t think my eating habits have changed too much lately, although I must admit that I don’t go to lunch as often as I use to. Even when I do go to lunch, I usually just have my usual ice chai latte tea from Starbucks and an occasional cinnamon roll, if I’m in the mood.

As long as I don’t get sick I guess I’m okay. Oddly enough, I do feel much more healthier than I have before. I guess there is such thing as an ideal weight for everyone. Mine just happens to be borderline annorexic (laughs)